#1. Butler vs LSU -2.5
Take Butler plus the points.
#2. Texas A&M vs BYU -2.5
Take A&M plus the points.
#3 Mississippi St. vs Washington -6
Take Washington minus the points.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
March Madness
This is my favorite time of the year. To start the tournament we have four straight days of the best basketball teams in the country striving to advance while smalls schools, such as Robert Morris(i went there), are happy that they are dancing and are leaving everything they have on the court just for that one chance to be remembered. Look at the past memories we have from schools such as George Mason, Valparaiso, Western Kentucky, Coppin St., and Weber St. Now that the field is set lets break it down and I will show you who will win it all this year and which small schools have what it takes to pull off an upset or two.
MIDWEST
1st Round
#1 LOUISVILLE(28-5) .VS. #16 ALABAMA ST.(22-9)/MOREHEAD ST.(19-15)
MIDWEST
1st Round
#1 LOUISVILLE(28-5) .VS. #16 ALABAMA ST.(22-9)/MOREHEAD ST.(19-15)
Congratulations Alabama St./Morehead St the winner of your meaningless game gets to lose by 20, at least, to Louisville. Just for the record I hope Morehead St. is victourius in the play in game. If you are a man how do you not root for them?? Louisville is the pick.
#8 OHIO ST(22-10) .VS. #9 SIENA(26-7)
This is a very interesting matchup. Ohio St. comes in on little bit of a high advancing to the finals of the very strong Big Ten Championship. Siena dominated their conference tournament and has a knack for playing up to the competition. Just think Ohio St is too hot right now. This is hard to say but Ohio St. is the pick.
#5 UTAH(24-9) .VS. #12 ARIZONA(19-13)
What has the committee done here. They rewarded Utah with a number 5 seed only to have them play Arizona in the first round. Congratulations on your one and done Utah. Utah will have no answer for Mr. Jordan Hill. Mormons can't win a National Championship anyway. Might as well lose now. Arizona is the pick.
#4 WAKE FOREST(24-6) .VS. #13 CLEVELAND ST.(25-10)
This game may come down to which Wake Forest team decides to show. Is the team that beat North Carolina and Duke going to show or the team that lost to Georgia Tech and N.C. St.. Dont overlook Cleveland St.. Not quite sure how they recieved a #13 seed while Butler recieved a #9. In my opionion those two are evenly matched. Butler won the season series 2-1. Both wins by 2 pts. Cleveland St has wins against Butler and Syracuse this year. After all that Wake Forest is too strong and is the pick.
#6 WEST VIRGINIA(23-11) .VS. #11 DAYTON(26-7)
This game will come down to the wire. Teams are evenly matched. They both played Duquesne and Marquette this year. WVU beat Duquesne and lost to Marquette while Dayton went 2-1 against Duquesne and actually beat a heathly Marquette team. With that being said the imbreeds of WVU are still from the Big East and they are my pick. FYI, there are more students then teeth in a classroom at WVU.
#3 KANSAS(25-7) .VS. #14 NORTH DAKOTA ST.(26-6)
This may end up being a close game. North Dakota St has played 2 larger schools this year falling 90-76 at Minnesota and 61-57 at USC. They can play with larger schools and, in my opinion, Kansas is the most overrated team in the country. They are still young and make plenty of mistakes. Kansas is still my pick but in a very unexpected close game. 91-86.
#7 BOSTON COLLEGE(22-11) .VS. #10 USC (21-12)
This matchup looks very good on paper but dont let it fool you. BC is the far better team. Take a look at each sides worst two losses and best 2 wins. First Boston College. Losses to Saint Louis(18-14) out of the A10 and Harvard(14-14) out of the Ivy league. Best wins for B.C. are Duke and @North Carolina. Now for USC. Losses to Seton Hall(17-15) out of the Big East and Oregon St.(13-17) out of their own conference. Wins are UCLA and Arizona St twice. Now that you have seen those stats throw them out the window. USC is hot and BC is incosistent. USC is the pick.
#2 MICHIGAN ST(26-6) .VS. #15 ROBERT MORRIS COLONIALS
Wish I could say Robert Morris had any chance at all. They dont. Michigan St. is the pick. Committee can go fuck themselves on this one. Why not a 14 seed so they can play the most verrated team in the country Kansas.
2nd Round
#1 LOUISVILLE .VS. #8 OHIO ST.
Ohio St. does not have the athletes to keep up. Louisville is the pick and I hate fucking Ohio St.. Whining little babies.
#12 ARIZONA .VS. #4 WAKE FOREST
This is a game that can go either way. Whoever has the ball last will win? My prediction is Arizona in an upset. Wake Forest can't win two games in a row against non-ranked teams.
#6 WEST VIRGINIA .VS. #3 KANSAS
The imbreeds vs the most overrated team. Kansas gets scared of the toothless wonders and quits at half. WVU in a forfeit.
#10 USC .VS. #2 MICHIGAN ST.
Tim Floyd has his team ready to play but Michigan St. has too much. Michigan St. is my pick.
Sweet Sixteen
#1 LOUISVILLE .VS. #12 ARIZONA
Arizona you gave it a good run but Louisville is just way too much. Louisville is the pick.
#6 WEST VIRGINIA .VS. #2 MICHIGAN ST.
Another game in this bracket that comes down to the wire. The big ugly Goran Suton will block the balding Alex Ruoff's jumper at the buzzer to preserve a 71-70 game. Michigan St. is the pick and WVU goes back to kissing their sister.
Elite Eight
#1 LOUISVILLE .VS. #2 MICHIGAN ST.
The committee got this one right. #1 versus #2. This one will be decided by defense in the second half. Can Michigan St. handle the full court pressure? Can they make enough shots to remain in the game? Can they use their bigs to slow the game down? My guess is NO!!! Louisville marches onto the Final Four.
Stay tuned for more to come.................the West is next.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Game On
Living in Florida in the Spring is awesome. Even if it happens to be the Spring of 2009 and your state is in the middle of a drought and your economy is totally crashing around you and your job may not be there anytime soon because regulation is popular law and you want to scream and kick and punch and hit the holy hell out of every asshole who has the audacity to remind you that you should be “happy that you even have a job in this economy.” (I often tell those people that they should be happy they don’t have a broken arm in this economy—people love me.)
Excuse the run-on crankiness. It’s that kind of business climate.
At any rate, yesterday the St. Louis Cardinals played their first Spring Training game against the Florida Marlins. They tied 5-5 and then everyone bowed to each other in honor of the Japanese tradition of ending non-tournament games in ties so that everyone can save face or eat out of the same jar or something.
Anyway, the Cardinals played a game.
And now I may officially start worrying about them.
This position by position breakdown of the Redbirds is brought to you by My Third Root Beer after Four Cups of Coffee: Because caffeine makes you crazy.
Starting Pitchers
Here is the alleged proposed possible rotation for the 2009 St. Louis Cardinals:
Chris Carpenter
I drink with Chris’s cousin Allen up at The Smoky Pool Hall here in Tampa. Allen told me that Carpenter only married his wife because he got her pregnant and that he constantly cheats on her, which is why he always travels with the team even when injured. Allen also told me that Carpenter won’t last another full season again. You don’t need to be related to Carp to know that one. Nevertheless, the season HINGES on his health. Without Carp WHIPping at least a 1.1 or better (like he did in ’06), the Redbirds have no shot at the season and may want to consider taking up golf this summer. No pressure, Carp.
Adam Wainright
Something about Adam Wainright tells me he’d be a fun guy to hang out with at a festival or camping trip. He just needs to be his continually improving self and he’ll be fine. Not for nothing, but if Carp is healthy and Wainro is on, this could be the best one-two SP punch in the NL this year. What can I say? I’m an optimist.
Kyle Lohse
I umpire little league baseball. There are three kind of little league umpires: The kind that get requested by parents and coaches, the kind that get fired for not showing up and (in between) the kind who show up on time, do their job to the best of their ability (read: crappily) and keep drawing a paycheck because they consistently show up and the league needs warm bodies to fill spots. Lohse is totally that last dude. He’s good enough to be a major leaguer, not good enough to be an All Star, and he stays healthy, shows up for work and does a genuinely mediocre job. I know this doesn’t exactly sound like a ringing endorsement, but I’ll take the dude on this team. We need him.
(Wow, typing that last sentence caused me to sigh—not a good sign.)
Todd Wellemeyer
Last year Wellemeyer set a personal record for WHIP with a neat little 1.2. His career average had been around 1.5 before Dave Duncan taught him to channel his inner Tao (or whatever that madman does to get results from the Jeff Weavers of baseball). If Wellemeyer maintains his ‘08 WHIP and keeps that 2 to 1 K/BB ratio, he could easily end up being the second or third best starter on this team (even with a healthy Carp). If last year proves to be a fluke and Wellemeyer reverts to the pitcher he was before he arrived in the Lou, then you can pretty much bet the farm on one dismal summer for the Cards.
Joel Pineiro
Nolan Ryan’s last game-worn jock strap could outpitch this guy. And, in all seriousness, it’s Pineiro’s job to lose. And he’ll pitch badly enough to lose it at least once this year. Incidentally, the over/under on times this season in which I wish for the death of Jo-El Pin-Yare-Oh is sitting at a believable 23. Quite frankly, I don’t know which side to take. I guess it all depends on if he pitches good enough to bother me for an entire season or if he gets yanked from the rotation. Really, it’s anyone’s guess.
Bullpen
I will breakdown the bullpen sometime in the near future. The results just aren’t in. It is good to see Kinney back, though.
Catchers
Yadier Molina
The best defensive catcher in baseball had a lousy defensive year last year and won a gold glove (quite possibly as recognition for his hitting which makes about as much sense as awarding a commercial jet pilot a congressional medal of honor but whatever). I’d like to see him find his throwing arm again. At any rate, he’s the man and I’m happy to have him back.
Jason LaRue
I have three words of advice for LaRue (should Yadi go down): Human Growth Hormone. Come on Rue, everybody’s doing it.
First Base
Albert Pujols
I am simply not worthy.
Second Base
Skip Schumaker
The Cardinals open this camp without a second baseman of any kind. They literally do not have a second baseman. Everyone trying out for second base is converting from other positions. I am not making this up. Oh, how I wish I was making this up. All I can say about this is “Good luck, Skip.” Oh, and I have an ex-girlfriend who wants your phone number. She’s goth-crazy great in bed, Skipper. True to the ‘tude.
Third Base
Troy Glaus
He’s injured and everyone’s upset with him for not having surgery sooner or something. Like everyone in America just rushes out and has surgery every time they feel a little pain. Anyway, when he comes back seven or eight weeks into the season his streaky power hitting will be welcome. In the meantime, it looks like his position will be filled by…
Joe Mather
He’s a prospect with some experience and he needs a haircut. Also, he’s perfectly capable of averaging a homerun every twenty at-bats, which means that if Tony LaRussa can find a way to get him 500 at bats, he’ll probably hit at least 25 homeruns. Maybe more. The kid has potential but he needs to focus on plate disciple, increase his On Base Percentage and quit looking like a weirdo hippie Muppet.
Shortstop
Khalil Greene
I am not optimistic about Khalil Greene. The only thing he has going for him is the fact that the guy he’s replacing couldn’t hit his way out of a cardboard box. If this surfer-boy looking douche can hit .250, punch twenty homeruns out of the yard and score seventy runs all while playing decent defense, he’ll be an asset to this team. If not, he’ll be the second coming of the second coming of Adam Kennedy, which was not a second coming that ended well.
Outfield
My friend Dave and I rate the bars we hang out in by three major criteria, the second of which is availability and diversity of females. In short, choice is a good thing and the Cardinals have a lot of choice in their outfield. You’ve got Ankiel, Duncan, Rasmus, and Ludwick at least (Mather and Schumaker can play the outfield as well but they’re both busy learning infield positions because life is a special kind of torture). Ankiel and Ludwick should be fine and hopefully Rasmus can fill in for Duncan if he ends up sucking again and vice versa. Later in the season, this could be where Mather plays if he hits himself into a role. This bar is definitely full.
So where does that leave us? Well, by my calculations, this team will win approximately 86 games, which should be enough to win the NL Central provided that the Chicago Cubs team plane collides with the Milwaukee Brewers team plane approximately nine hundred feet above a Cincinnati Reds game.
So the rebuilding continues, the challenges await and a fun-filled March once again awaits the citizens of Florida.
And once again, like a love-stricken voyeur, I will be watching…
Excuse the run-on crankiness. It’s that kind of business climate.
At any rate, yesterday the St. Louis Cardinals played their first Spring Training game against the Florida Marlins. They tied 5-5 and then everyone bowed to each other in honor of the Japanese tradition of ending non-tournament games in ties so that everyone can save face or eat out of the same jar or something.
Anyway, the Cardinals played a game.
And now I may officially start worrying about them.
This position by position breakdown of the Redbirds is brought to you by My Third Root Beer after Four Cups of Coffee: Because caffeine makes you crazy.
Starting Pitchers
Here is the alleged proposed possible rotation for the 2009 St. Louis Cardinals:
Chris Carpenter
I drink with Chris’s cousin Allen up at The Smoky Pool Hall here in Tampa. Allen told me that Carpenter only married his wife because he got her pregnant and that he constantly cheats on her, which is why he always travels with the team even when injured. Allen also told me that Carpenter won’t last another full season again. You don’t need to be related to Carp to know that one. Nevertheless, the season HINGES on his health. Without Carp WHIPping at least a 1.1 or better (like he did in ’06), the Redbirds have no shot at the season and may want to consider taking up golf this summer. No pressure, Carp.
Adam Wainright
Something about Adam Wainright tells me he’d be a fun guy to hang out with at a festival or camping trip. He just needs to be his continually improving self and he’ll be fine. Not for nothing, but if Carp is healthy and Wainro is on, this could be the best one-two SP punch in the NL this year. What can I say? I’m an optimist.
Kyle Lohse
I umpire little league baseball. There are three kind of little league umpires: The kind that get requested by parents and coaches, the kind that get fired for not showing up and (in between) the kind who show up on time, do their job to the best of their ability (read: crappily) and keep drawing a paycheck because they consistently show up and the league needs warm bodies to fill spots. Lohse is totally that last dude. He’s good enough to be a major leaguer, not good enough to be an All Star, and he stays healthy, shows up for work and does a genuinely mediocre job. I know this doesn’t exactly sound like a ringing endorsement, but I’ll take the dude on this team. We need him.
(Wow, typing that last sentence caused me to sigh—not a good sign.)
Todd Wellemeyer
Last year Wellemeyer set a personal record for WHIP with a neat little 1.2. His career average had been around 1.5 before Dave Duncan taught him to channel his inner Tao (or whatever that madman does to get results from the Jeff Weavers of baseball). If Wellemeyer maintains his ‘08 WHIP and keeps that 2 to 1 K/BB ratio, he could easily end up being the second or third best starter on this team (even with a healthy Carp). If last year proves to be a fluke and Wellemeyer reverts to the pitcher he was before he arrived in the Lou, then you can pretty much bet the farm on one dismal summer for the Cards.
Joel Pineiro
Nolan Ryan’s last game-worn jock strap could outpitch this guy. And, in all seriousness, it’s Pineiro’s job to lose. And he’ll pitch badly enough to lose it at least once this year. Incidentally, the over/under on times this season in which I wish for the death of Jo-El Pin-Yare-Oh is sitting at a believable 23. Quite frankly, I don’t know which side to take. I guess it all depends on if he pitches good enough to bother me for an entire season or if he gets yanked from the rotation. Really, it’s anyone’s guess.
Bullpen
I will breakdown the bullpen sometime in the near future. The results just aren’t in. It is good to see Kinney back, though.
Catchers
Yadier Molina
The best defensive catcher in baseball had a lousy defensive year last year and won a gold glove (quite possibly as recognition for his hitting which makes about as much sense as awarding a commercial jet pilot a congressional medal of honor but whatever). I’d like to see him find his throwing arm again. At any rate, he’s the man and I’m happy to have him back.
Jason LaRue
I have three words of advice for LaRue (should Yadi go down): Human Growth Hormone. Come on Rue, everybody’s doing it.
First Base
Albert Pujols
I am simply not worthy.
Second Base
Skip Schumaker
The Cardinals open this camp without a second baseman of any kind. They literally do not have a second baseman. Everyone trying out for second base is converting from other positions. I am not making this up. Oh, how I wish I was making this up. All I can say about this is “Good luck, Skip.” Oh, and I have an ex-girlfriend who wants your phone number. She’s goth-crazy great in bed, Skipper. True to the ‘tude.
Third Base
Troy Glaus
He’s injured and everyone’s upset with him for not having surgery sooner or something. Like everyone in America just rushes out and has surgery every time they feel a little pain. Anyway, when he comes back seven or eight weeks into the season his streaky power hitting will be welcome. In the meantime, it looks like his position will be filled by…
Joe Mather
He’s a prospect with some experience and he needs a haircut. Also, he’s perfectly capable of averaging a homerun every twenty at-bats, which means that if Tony LaRussa can find a way to get him 500 at bats, he’ll probably hit at least 25 homeruns. Maybe more. The kid has potential but he needs to focus on plate disciple, increase his On Base Percentage and quit looking like a weirdo hippie Muppet.
Shortstop
Khalil Greene
I am not optimistic about Khalil Greene. The only thing he has going for him is the fact that the guy he’s replacing couldn’t hit his way out of a cardboard box. If this surfer-boy looking douche can hit .250, punch twenty homeruns out of the yard and score seventy runs all while playing decent defense, he’ll be an asset to this team. If not, he’ll be the second coming of the second coming of Adam Kennedy, which was not a second coming that ended well.
Outfield
My friend Dave and I rate the bars we hang out in by three major criteria, the second of which is availability and diversity of females. In short, choice is a good thing and the Cardinals have a lot of choice in their outfield. You’ve got Ankiel, Duncan, Rasmus, and Ludwick at least (Mather and Schumaker can play the outfield as well but they’re both busy learning infield positions because life is a special kind of torture). Ankiel and Ludwick should be fine and hopefully Rasmus can fill in for Duncan if he ends up sucking again and vice versa. Later in the season, this could be where Mather plays if he hits himself into a role. This bar is definitely full.
So where does that leave us? Well, by my calculations, this team will win approximately 86 games, which should be enough to win the NL Central provided that the Chicago Cubs team plane collides with the Milwaukee Brewers team plane approximately nine hundred feet above a Cincinnati Reds game.
So the rebuilding continues, the challenges await and a fun-filled March once again awaits the citizens of Florida.
And once again, like a love-stricken voyeur, I will be watching…
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Your Introduction to EGH
The academic world of finance, like the academic world of pretty much anything, is utterly and completely full of shit. It is so full of shit that it is actually overrun with shit. It is buried in shit, spitting up shit and just generally coming to terms with the feces/academic theory cohabitation that, though unnecessary, is a part of what it means to study the economy.
One of the stupidest market theories ever invented goes by the moniker: The Efficient Market Theory. Whether you’re studying for the Series 7 or just taking basic economic theory courses, you will at one time have to know the definition of this stupid theory, to wit (side note: I have never used the phrase “to wit” before—please let me know if you think I screwed it up):
“In finance, the efficient-market hypothesis (EMH) asserts that financial markets are informationally efficient, or that prices on traded assets, e.g., stocks, bonds, or property, already reflect all known information. The efficient-market hypothesis states that it is impossible to consistently outperform the market by using any information that the market already knows, except through luck. Information or news in the EMH is defined as anything that may affect prices that is unknowable in the present and thus appears randomly in the future.”
What a bunch of shit, huh? That’s akin to saying, “No one can know anything so we might as well just say fuck it and use random theories to make our decisions.” In a sense, the Efficient Market Theory serves to remind all of us that life is stupid and people are a problem.
Which brings me to college basketball.
I don’t really watch it until March Madness. I don’t know why, I just find it kind of boring. I understand the game of basketball and all that and I even watched a full ten minutes of that Wake Forest/Duke game before going to the NFL Fan Experience last Thursday. I am by definition a casual fan, but I am by no means a causal bullshitter so I have come up with a theory. I call it the Efficient Gambling Hypothesis and define it as such:
“In sports, the Efficient Gambling Hypothesis (EGH) asserts that odds lines in sports are informationally correct (and no, I am not defining that goofy term because it is an utter lie) so that every bet has a fifty fifty chance of coming through. Because of this, it is impossible to consistently outperform the gambling market and beat the house by using any information that Vegas’ representatives already know, which is pretty much all available information vis a vis college basketball. Therefore the only way to beat Vegas is to get lucky. And so, proponents of the EGH recommend that you do not place a bet unless you got laid the night before and that you base all of your decisions on information Vegas does not have, like your current body temperature or love of sushi.”
So, based on this extrapolation of the realization that is the academicazation of this awesome madeupedness, I give you my college basketball picks. The bolded team is the team I pick. My explanations will be total nonsense.
West Virginia
20 Syracuse (-2)
I once accused a man from West Virginia of being a hayseed and he was one. And accused sounds like Syracuse. So there you go, Syracuse all the way.
7 Wake Forest
Miami (Fla.) (+2)
Years ago, when I was in Miami, I saw Forrest Whitaker. He looked drunk but he was with two really smoking hot chicks. And I was awake. Really, this one’s a no-brainer.
17 Villanova
Providence (+3)
Villas and novas. Supernovas. No way that my providence interferes with my pride. Proving that winning doesn’t put a dent in the details. Oh yeah, this game is all ‘Nova.
(Note: There are three hidden messages in the above. Two bucks to anyone that finds all three.)
19 Minnesota
13 Michigan St. (-8)
No reason whatsoever.
4 Duke
10 Clemson (+3.5)
Years ago, a guy named Duke introduced me to chicken gizzards. You don’t give up those kind of memories without a fight.
Texas A&M
2 Oklahoma St. (-12.5)
Today is my sister’s birthday. I feel you need to know that.
14 Memphis
SMU (-17)
Memphis is playing Southern Methodist University. I am Methodist and I live in the South. So I win. Yeah, me!
Missouri
16 Texas (-3.5)
Because Missouri is just too cold.
USC
5 UCLA (-8.5)
The other day I hocked up a loogie that looked a little bit like a the UCLA mascot, the Bruin. So there you go. Guarantee you Vegas didn’t know that piece of information.
When I say my picks are for entertainment purposes only, well believe me I’m kidding. I know they’re not entertaining.
Good luck and happy gambling.
One of the stupidest market theories ever invented goes by the moniker: The Efficient Market Theory. Whether you’re studying for the Series 7 or just taking basic economic theory courses, you will at one time have to know the definition of this stupid theory, to wit (side note: I have never used the phrase “to wit” before—please let me know if you think I screwed it up):
“In finance, the efficient-market hypothesis (EMH) asserts that financial markets are informationally efficient, or that prices on traded assets, e.g., stocks, bonds, or property, already reflect all known information. The efficient-market hypothesis states that it is impossible to consistently outperform the market by using any information that the market already knows, except through luck. Information or news in the EMH is defined as anything that may affect prices that is unknowable in the present and thus appears randomly in the future.”
What a bunch of shit, huh? That’s akin to saying, “No one can know anything so we might as well just say fuck it and use random theories to make our decisions.” In a sense, the Efficient Market Theory serves to remind all of us that life is stupid and people are a problem.
Which brings me to college basketball.
I don’t really watch it until March Madness. I don’t know why, I just find it kind of boring. I understand the game of basketball and all that and I even watched a full ten minutes of that Wake Forest/Duke game before going to the NFL Fan Experience last Thursday. I am by definition a casual fan, but I am by no means a causal bullshitter so I have come up with a theory. I call it the Efficient Gambling Hypothesis and define it as such:
“In sports, the Efficient Gambling Hypothesis (EGH) asserts that odds lines in sports are informationally correct (and no, I am not defining that goofy term because it is an utter lie) so that every bet has a fifty fifty chance of coming through. Because of this, it is impossible to consistently outperform the gambling market and beat the house by using any information that Vegas’ representatives already know, which is pretty much all available information vis a vis college basketball. Therefore the only way to beat Vegas is to get lucky. And so, proponents of the EGH recommend that you do not place a bet unless you got laid the night before and that you base all of your decisions on information Vegas does not have, like your current body temperature or love of sushi.”
So, based on this extrapolation of the realization that is the academicazation of this awesome madeupedness, I give you my college basketball picks. The bolded team is the team I pick. My explanations will be total nonsense.
West Virginia
20 Syracuse (-2)
I once accused a man from West Virginia of being a hayseed and he was one. And accused sounds like Syracuse. So there you go, Syracuse all the way.
7 Wake Forest
Miami (Fla.) (+2)
Years ago, when I was in Miami, I saw Forrest Whitaker. He looked drunk but he was with two really smoking hot chicks. And I was awake. Really, this one’s a no-brainer.
17 Villanova
Providence (+3)
Villas and novas. Supernovas. No way that my providence interferes with my pride. Proving that winning doesn’t put a dent in the details. Oh yeah, this game is all ‘Nova.
(Note: There are three hidden messages in the above. Two bucks to anyone that finds all three.)
19 Minnesota
13 Michigan St. (-8)
No reason whatsoever.
4 Duke
10 Clemson (+3.5)
Years ago, a guy named Duke introduced me to chicken gizzards. You don’t give up those kind of memories without a fight.
Texas A&M
2 Oklahoma St. (-12.5)
Today is my sister’s birthday. I feel you need to know that.
14 Memphis
SMU (-17)
Memphis is playing Southern Methodist University. I am Methodist and I live in the South. So I win. Yeah, me!
Missouri
16 Texas (-3.5)
Because Missouri is just too cold.
USC
5 UCLA (-8.5)
The other day I hocked up a loogie that looked a little bit like a the UCLA mascot, the Bruin. So there you go. Guarantee you Vegas didn’t know that piece of information.
When I say my picks are for entertainment purposes only, well believe me I’m kidding. I know they’re not entertaining.
Good luck and happy gambling.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Super Bowl Wrap Up
Holy. Motherfletching. Shit.
That was awesome. I mean, I had no bets on that game (the economy truly is tough right now—you may have noticed) and I couldn’t care less who won. I usually root for the underdog but in this case the underdog happened to be owned by a guy who robbed me of a hometown football team for six very unsettling winters, winters in which I stared blankly at NFL games trying to figure out if I liked any team enough to root for them so I was not unhappy to see the Gridbirds lose. I also hate the Steelers and like it when they lose because they always win and they have a strong fan base and well… I guess that’s reason enough.
Anyway, I just wanted to see a good game. And, better than that, I saw a freaking great game. I have lots of criticism because a lot of the play calling sucked and a ton of bad decisions were made by the referees and the final Warner fumble definitely should have been reviewed but I don’t want to write about negative stuff. I want to write only positive things about an awesome game and a decent evening. So, here are my four favorite moments about Super Bowl (use roman numerals dammit) 43.
Brenda Warner
It’s funny how it took that chick five years to figure out that women just don’t look that good with buzz cuts. Oh well, you live and you learn and all that.
Ben Roethlisberger
Make no mistake, big Ben was the best QB in this game. I don’t care what the numbers say. His ability to shake defenders and find open receivers with linemen and linebackers practically moving into his anal cavity was beyond athleticism and awesomeness.
My Neighbor
I elected to watch the game at home and alone this year because I had never watched a Super Bowl alone before, and after the NFL Fan Experience, the Bud Bowls and the general crowdedness of the City of Tampa and its surrounding areas, I was just too fucking sick of people to want to watch a game with a group of them.
My father called before the game and asked me what I was doing for game day festivities and I responded, “I’m about festivitied out” (that’s right, I make up words). “After all this stuff going on I’d just as soon ignore the crowds, hole up in my apartment and count the hours until all these fucking people go home.”
His response: “Well then…”
So I recorded the Sopranos marathon on A & E and the Super Bowl so I didn’t have to watch one commercial and I could just sit at home in peace and watch a goddamn game and America’s favorite mob family.
Then, my neighbor, a nice, if not too skinny, Latina knocked on my door, saw that I was watching the game alone and proceeded to bring by a bottle of Puerto Rican rum, a bottle of Diet Coke, a plate of vegetables and some weird onion infused sausage dish that tasted way too fattening for my current diet. She even rubbed my feet during the game. I don’t care what Goodell said, that chick was the MVP of Super Bowl (fuck Roman numerals dammit) 43. I have to hand it to her. She was on her A game last night.
Steelers’ Fans
I have never seen such a dedicated group of fat people in my life. I mean, what happens up there? Do all the hot chicks bail for warmer pastures the second they turn eighteen or do they maybe wait a year or two?
All kidding aside though, none of the ones I met were assholes. They all seemed incredibly knowledgeable about the game of football and their love for their team was so heartfelt that I truly enjoyed talking to them. Even if they turned the streets of Tampa into a jiggly fat competition.
And during the game, well they knew how to root, saving their energies for the fourth quarter wherein they unloaded the verbal equivalent of an atom bomb. Just an awesome job by a group of generally unattractive people.
So yeah, the NFL season is over. The sports lull is upon us and drinking on Sunday afternoons is no longer socially acceptable. Oh well what the hell and all that?
Just fourteen days until pitchers and catchers report.
That was awesome. I mean, I had no bets on that game (the economy truly is tough right now—you may have noticed) and I couldn’t care less who won. I usually root for the underdog but in this case the underdog happened to be owned by a guy who robbed me of a hometown football team for six very unsettling winters, winters in which I stared blankly at NFL games trying to figure out if I liked any team enough to root for them so I was not unhappy to see the Gridbirds lose. I also hate the Steelers and like it when they lose because they always win and they have a strong fan base and well… I guess that’s reason enough.
Anyway, I just wanted to see a good game. And, better than that, I saw a freaking great game. I have lots of criticism because a lot of the play calling sucked and a ton of bad decisions were made by the referees and the final Warner fumble definitely should have been reviewed but I don’t want to write about negative stuff. I want to write only positive things about an awesome game and a decent evening. So, here are my four favorite moments about Super Bowl (use roman numerals dammit) 43.
Brenda Warner
It’s funny how it took that chick five years to figure out that women just don’t look that good with buzz cuts. Oh well, you live and you learn and all that.
Ben Roethlisberger
Make no mistake, big Ben was the best QB in this game. I don’t care what the numbers say. His ability to shake defenders and find open receivers with linemen and linebackers practically moving into his anal cavity was beyond athleticism and awesomeness.
My Neighbor
I elected to watch the game at home and alone this year because I had never watched a Super Bowl alone before, and after the NFL Fan Experience, the Bud Bowls and the general crowdedness of the City of Tampa and its surrounding areas, I was just too fucking sick of people to want to watch a game with a group of them.
My father called before the game and asked me what I was doing for game day festivities and I responded, “I’m about festivitied out” (that’s right, I make up words). “After all this stuff going on I’d just as soon ignore the crowds, hole up in my apartment and count the hours until all these fucking people go home.”
His response: “Well then…”
So I recorded the Sopranos marathon on A & E and the Super Bowl so I didn’t have to watch one commercial and I could just sit at home in peace and watch a goddamn game and America’s favorite mob family.
Then, my neighbor, a nice, if not too skinny, Latina knocked on my door, saw that I was watching the game alone and proceeded to bring by a bottle of Puerto Rican rum, a bottle of Diet Coke, a plate of vegetables and some weird onion infused sausage dish that tasted way too fattening for my current diet. She even rubbed my feet during the game. I don’t care what Goodell said, that chick was the MVP of Super Bowl (fuck Roman numerals dammit) 43. I have to hand it to her. She was on her A game last night.
Steelers’ Fans
I have never seen such a dedicated group of fat people in my life. I mean, what happens up there? Do all the hot chicks bail for warmer pastures the second they turn eighteen or do they maybe wait a year or two?
All kidding aside though, none of the ones I met were assholes. They all seemed incredibly knowledgeable about the game of football and their love for their team was so heartfelt that I truly enjoyed talking to them. Even if they turned the streets of Tampa into a jiggly fat competition.
And during the game, well they knew how to root, saving their energies for the fourth quarter wherein they unloaded the verbal equivalent of an atom bomb. Just an awesome job by a group of generally unattractive people.
So yeah, the NFL season is over. The sports lull is upon us and drinking on Sunday afternoons is no longer socially acceptable. Oh well what the hell and all that?
Just fourteen days until pitchers and catchers report.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Two Kurt Warner Stories and a Super Bowl Pick
Kurt Warner is one of the stories of the upcoming Super Bowl for two reasons: 1) his is a compelling and heartwarming tale of both rags and the riches that followed them and 2) it’s a story that has already had a successful following so it’s easy to rehash and sell as a new product.
And, since everyone else is telling Kurt Warner stories, allow me to tell the only two that I have.
When I returned from Europe post college graduation, I was picked up at the St. Louis airport by my father and my buddy Jesse. It was an interesting time for me. I had no place to live save my parents’ house, no job, no money, about ten thousand dollars of credit card debt, no car and had recently broken up with my European girlfriend. Also, because Europe hates everything American that does not involve bashing our government, I had no idea what was going on in the National Football League.
I arrived in St. Louis on a Sunday at roughly 11 AM Central time. After I said my hellos to Jesse and Pops, we walked to Pops’ car where I sat in the back (Jesse called shotgun, knows Judo and well, my dad always liked him better than me anyway so I didn’t fight the issue).
As we drove down the highway, Pops informed me that we had to get to his favorite bar soon so we could get seats to the Rams game. I started laughing uncontrollably. The last time I had heard about the Rams was in a phone call from my father wherein I was informed that their QB Trent Green had been mauled by Rodney Harrison (then with the Chargers) in a preseason game. They were an annual joke and I was dead sure the fellas were messing with me.
“He doesn’t know?” Jesse asked Pops.
“I guess not,” said Pops.
“Hey Nate,” said Jesse. “You know who Kurt Warner is?”
“Seahawks cornerback, right? Kinda shitty.”
They both laughed heartily and then Jesse threw me a copy of a Sports Illustrated which had on it a picture of Kurt Warner and the title, “Who is this Guy” which couldn’t have been a more perfect title for me because I truly didn’t know who he was. So I read the article and learned all the good Christian, stock boy turned superstar shit that we’re all currently familiar with.
Anyway, the Rams won the Super Bowl that year with Warner as QB. And I was back in Tampa a few months after it happened, thank God and the company that paid a few grand to say goodbye to me.
My second Kurt Warner story, the one where I actually got to see him, involves four hungover dudes, Bloody Marys and anger.
After a night out partying with some old friends turned into an early morning partying with some old friends turned into a holy-shit-the-bars-are-open-again-we-gotta-go moment, I found myself sitting with three buddies in an Chili’s or an Applebee’s or some kind of casual dining restaurant. You ever been in a bar so early that the waitresses don’t have the chairs down off the bar from the night before? Well, we had. And that’s exactly how the place was when we started drinking. Eerily quiet. Us to wasted to talk. Chairs still up on the bars as if asking us if we worked there. Just a serene alcohol moment the likes of which only makes sense when you’re between 21 and 25. Any younger or older and you’re just sad. Fortunately, we were all 22 and so the moment fit.
Anyway, Kurt Warner walked in and asked for the manager, and out came some chubby looking balding dude who did not look above paying for sex (one of my ex-girlfriends calls the look of desperate, chubby bald guys “prostitutey” and I feel you needed to know that).
Warner politely asked the man for a thousand dollar gift certificate and explained that he needed it to be one page so he could hide it in the pages of a book as a gag gift. I thought it was interesting that Warner had a sense of humor and would have told him as much if I wasn’t the fourth guy down the bar from him (I was on the far side with my friend Mike on the near side—a few feet from him).
The manager came out after checking into the gift certificate matter and informed Mr. Warner that he was sorry, but their gift certificates only came in denominations of $50 and he couldn’t get them to make one that came any higher.
Warner acted exactly like I would have in this situation. He said, “Thought so. No problem. I’ll probably just see if any banks have any thousand dollar bills left.”
That’s nice and typical and good human behavior and all that but, well, Warner had just brought this town a Super Bowl, something that Mike felt should be factored in to the decision here.
“Now wait just a goddamn minute,” Mike yelled as he hopped off the stool.
First, Mike pointed at Warner, whose mouth was wide open and whose eyes were squinting in total disbelief.
“This man just won your town a fucking Super Bowl you fat waste of fucking space,” he pointed at the manager. “Now you get back into your fucking office and you call whoever you got to call and you get this man a gift certificate for a thousand fucking dollars on one fucking piece of paper or I curse you to hell!”
“Curse him?” I asked. “What, you practice Voodoo now?”
“I thought you were Presbyterian,” chimed in Matt.
“Fuck you guys,” yelled Mike. “And fuck this guy right here for not properly respecting a football hero.”
To which Kurt Warner replied, “Man, calm down, okay? It’s no big deal. You really need to relax. Just sit down. You’re scaring this guy.”
The manager was shaking quite adamantly (Mike stood 6’7” in shoes).
“Thanks for being the voice of reason, Kurt” said Matt (or maybe the other guy—I forget who the other guy was but it wasn’t me and it wasn’t Mike who said it so there’s that).
And with that, Kurt Warner walked out of our lives forever.
Anyway, I’m picking the Steelers (-7). God Boy has no chance against that defense.
And, since everyone else is telling Kurt Warner stories, allow me to tell the only two that I have.
When I returned from Europe post college graduation, I was picked up at the St. Louis airport by my father and my buddy Jesse. It was an interesting time for me. I had no place to live save my parents’ house, no job, no money, about ten thousand dollars of credit card debt, no car and had recently broken up with my European girlfriend. Also, because Europe hates everything American that does not involve bashing our government, I had no idea what was going on in the National Football League.
I arrived in St. Louis on a Sunday at roughly 11 AM Central time. After I said my hellos to Jesse and Pops, we walked to Pops’ car where I sat in the back (Jesse called shotgun, knows Judo and well, my dad always liked him better than me anyway so I didn’t fight the issue).
As we drove down the highway, Pops informed me that we had to get to his favorite bar soon so we could get seats to the Rams game. I started laughing uncontrollably. The last time I had heard about the Rams was in a phone call from my father wherein I was informed that their QB Trent Green had been mauled by Rodney Harrison (then with the Chargers) in a preseason game. They were an annual joke and I was dead sure the fellas were messing with me.
“He doesn’t know?” Jesse asked Pops.
“I guess not,” said Pops.
“Hey Nate,” said Jesse. “You know who Kurt Warner is?”
“Seahawks cornerback, right? Kinda shitty.”
They both laughed heartily and then Jesse threw me a copy of a Sports Illustrated which had on it a picture of Kurt Warner and the title, “Who is this Guy” which couldn’t have been a more perfect title for me because I truly didn’t know who he was. So I read the article and learned all the good Christian, stock boy turned superstar shit that we’re all currently familiar with.
Anyway, the Rams won the Super Bowl that year with Warner as QB. And I was back in Tampa a few months after it happened, thank God and the company that paid a few grand to say goodbye to me.
My second Kurt Warner story, the one where I actually got to see him, involves four hungover dudes, Bloody Marys and anger.
After a night out partying with some old friends turned into an early morning partying with some old friends turned into a holy-shit-the-bars-are-open-again-we-gotta-go moment, I found myself sitting with three buddies in an Chili’s or an Applebee’s or some kind of casual dining restaurant. You ever been in a bar so early that the waitresses don’t have the chairs down off the bar from the night before? Well, we had. And that’s exactly how the place was when we started drinking. Eerily quiet. Us to wasted to talk. Chairs still up on the bars as if asking us if we worked there. Just a serene alcohol moment the likes of which only makes sense when you’re between 21 and 25. Any younger or older and you’re just sad. Fortunately, we were all 22 and so the moment fit.
Anyway, Kurt Warner walked in and asked for the manager, and out came some chubby looking balding dude who did not look above paying for sex (one of my ex-girlfriends calls the look of desperate, chubby bald guys “prostitutey” and I feel you needed to know that).
Warner politely asked the man for a thousand dollar gift certificate and explained that he needed it to be one page so he could hide it in the pages of a book as a gag gift. I thought it was interesting that Warner had a sense of humor and would have told him as much if I wasn’t the fourth guy down the bar from him (I was on the far side with my friend Mike on the near side—a few feet from him).
The manager came out after checking into the gift certificate matter and informed Mr. Warner that he was sorry, but their gift certificates only came in denominations of $50 and he couldn’t get them to make one that came any higher.
Warner acted exactly like I would have in this situation. He said, “Thought so. No problem. I’ll probably just see if any banks have any thousand dollar bills left.”
That’s nice and typical and good human behavior and all that but, well, Warner had just brought this town a Super Bowl, something that Mike felt should be factored in to the decision here.
“Now wait just a goddamn minute,” Mike yelled as he hopped off the stool.
First, Mike pointed at Warner, whose mouth was wide open and whose eyes were squinting in total disbelief.
“This man just won your town a fucking Super Bowl you fat waste of fucking space,” he pointed at the manager. “Now you get back into your fucking office and you call whoever you got to call and you get this man a gift certificate for a thousand fucking dollars on one fucking piece of paper or I curse you to hell!”
“Curse him?” I asked. “What, you practice Voodoo now?”
“I thought you were Presbyterian,” chimed in Matt.
“Fuck you guys,” yelled Mike. “And fuck this guy right here for not properly respecting a football hero.”
To which Kurt Warner replied, “Man, calm down, okay? It’s no big deal. You really need to relax. Just sit down. You’re scaring this guy.”
The manager was shaking quite adamantly (Mike stood 6’7” in shoes).
“Thanks for being the voice of reason, Kurt” said Matt (or maybe the other guy—I forget who the other guy was but it wasn’t me and it wasn’t Mike who said it so there’s that).
And with that, Kurt Warner walked out of our lives forever.
Anyway, I’m picking the Steelers (-7). God Boy has no chance against that defense.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Scotty McCapenstein Cannot Use a Computer...
For many different reasons, none of which are really important or relevant to the fact that he just texted me with the instructions that I put up his picks.
So I'm putting up his picks.
The Capper Man wants you to pick South Alabama (+1) and the University of California (+10) in the sport of collegiate basketball.
I went to the NFL Fan experience and saw the Lombardi Trophy (and the Swashbucklers--Bucs cheerleaders) up close. I may elaborate on my evening but I have more important beers, er matters to attend to right now.
Yours in Christ,
The Guy Who Posts for Scotty Because Computers Confuse Him.
So I'm putting up his picks.
The Capper Man wants you to pick South Alabama (+1) and the University of California (+10) in the sport of collegiate basketball.
I went to the NFL Fan experience and saw the Lombardi Trophy (and the Swashbucklers--Bucs cheerleaders) up close. I may elaborate on my evening but I have more important beers, er matters to attend to right now.
Yours in Christ,
The Guy Who Posts for Scotty Because Computers Confuse Him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)