Game On

Living in Florida in the Spring is awesome. Even if it happens to be the Spring of 2009 and your state is in the middle of a drought and your economy is totally crashing around you and your job may not be there anytime soon because regulation is popular law and you want to scream and kick and punch and hit the holy hell out of every asshole who has the audacity to remind you that you should be “happy that you even have a job in this economy.” (I often tell those people that they should be happy they don’t have a broken arm in this economy—people love me.)

Excuse the run-on crankiness. It’s that kind of business climate.

At any rate, yesterday the St. Louis Cardinals played their first Spring Training game against the Florida Marlins. They tied 5-5 and then everyone bowed to each other in honor of the Japanese tradition of ending non-tournament games in ties so that everyone can save face or eat out of the same jar or something.

Anyway, the Cardinals played a game.

And now I may officially start worrying about them.

This position by position breakdown of the Redbirds is brought to you by My Third Root Beer after Four Cups of Coffee: Because caffeine makes you crazy.

Starting Pitchers
Here is the alleged proposed possible rotation for the 2009 St. Louis Cardinals:

Chris Carpenter
I drink with Chris’s cousin Allen up at The Smoky Pool Hall here in Tampa. Allen told me that Carpenter only married his wife because he got her pregnant and that he constantly cheats on her, which is why he always travels with the team even when injured. Allen also told me that Carpenter won’t last another full season again. You don’t need to be related to Carp to know that one. Nevertheless, the season HINGES on his health. Without Carp WHIPping at least a 1.1 or better (like he did in ’06), the Redbirds have no shot at the season and may want to consider taking up golf this summer. No pressure, Carp.

Adam Wainright
Something about Adam Wainright tells me he’d be a fun guy to hang out with at a festival or camping trip. He just needs to be his continually improving self and he’ll be fine. Not for nothing, but if Carp is healthy and Wainro is on, this could be the best one-two SP punch in the NL this year. What can I say? I’m an optimist.

Kyle Lohse
I umpire little league baseball. There are three kind of little league umpires: The kind that get requested by parents and coaches, the kind that get fired for not showing up and (in between) the kind who show up on time, do their job to the best of their ability (read: crappily) and keep drawing a paycheck because they consistently show up and the league needs warm bodies to fill spots. Lohse is totally that last dude. He’s good enough to be a major leaguer, not good enough to be an All Star, and he stays healthy, shows up for work and does a genuinely mediocre job. I know this doesn’t exactly sound like a ringing endorsement, but I’ll take the dude on this team. We need him.

(Wow, typing that last sentence caused me to sigh—not a good sign.)

Todd Wellemeyer
Last year Wellemeyer set a personal record for WHIP with a neat little 1.2. His career average had been around 1.5 before Dave Duncan taught him to channel his inner Tao (or whatever that madman does to get results from the Jeff Weavers of baseball). If Wellemeyer maintains his ‘08 WHIP and keeps that 2 to 1 K/BB ratio, he could easily end up being the second or third best starter on this team (even with a healthy Carp). If last year proves to be a fluke and Wellemeyer reverts to the pitcher he was before he arrived in the Lou, then you can pretty much bet the farm on one dismal summer for the Cards.

Joel Pineiro
Nolan Ryan’s last game-worn jock strap could outpitch this guy. And, in all seriousness, it’s Pineiro’s job to lose. And he’ll pitch badly enough to lose it at least once this year. Incidentally, the over/under on times this season in which I wish for the death of Jo-El Pin-Yare-Oh is sitting at a believable 23. Quite frankly, I don’t know which side to take. I guess it all depends on if he pitches good enough to bother me for an entire season or if he gets yanked from the rotation. Really, it’s anyone’s guess.

Bullpen
I will breakdown the bullpen sometime in the near future. The results just aren’t in. It is good to see Kinney back, though.

Catchers
Yadier Molina
The best defensive catcher in baseball had a lousy defensive year last year and won a gold glove (quite possibly as recognition for his hitting which makes about as much sense as awarding a commercial jet pilot a congressional medal of honor but whatever). I’d like to see him find his throwing arm again. At any rate, he’s the man and I’m happy to have him back.

Jason LaRue
I have three words of advice for LaRue (should Yadi go down): Human Growth Hormone. Come on Rue, everybody’s doing it.

First Base
Albert Pujols
I am simply not worthy.

Second Base
Skip Schumaker
The Cardinals open this camp without a second baseman of any kind. They literally do not have a second baseman. Everyone trying out for second base is converting from other positions. I am not making this up. Oh, how I wish I was making this up. All I can say about this is “Good luck, Skip.” Oh, and I have an ex-girlfriend who wants your phone number. She’s goth-crazy great in bed, Skipper. True to the ‘tude.

Third Base
Troy Glaus
He’s injured and everyone’s upset with him for not having surgery sooner or something. Like everyone in America just rushes out and has surgery every time they feel a little pain. Anyway, when he comes back seven or eight weeks into the season his streaky power hitting will be welcome. In the meantime, it looks like his position will be filled by…

Joe Mather
He’s a prospect with some experience and he needs a haircut. Also, he’s perfectly capable of averaging a homerun every twenty at-bats, which means that if Tony LaRussa can find a way to get him 500 at bats, he’ll probably hit at least 25 homeruns. Maybe more. The kid has potential but he needs to focus on plate disciple, increase his On Base Percentage and quit looking like a weirdo hippie Muppet.

Shortstop
Khalil Greene
I am not optimistic about Khalil Greene. The only thing he has going for him is the fact that the guy he’s replacing couldn’t hit his way out of a cardboard box. If this surfer-boy looking douche can hit .250, punch twenty homeruns out of the yard and score seventy runs all while playing decent defense, he’ll be an asset to this team. If not, he’ll be the second coming of the second coming of Adam Kennedy, which was not a second coming that ended well.

Outfield
My friend Dave and I rate the bars we hang out in by three major criteria, the second of which is availability and diversity of females. In short, choice is a good thing and the Cardinals have a lot of choice in their outfield. You’ve got Ankiel, Duncan, Rasmus, and Ludwick at least (Mather and Schumaker can play the outfield as well but they’re both busy learning infield positions because life is a special kind of torture). Ankiel and Ludwick should be fine and hopefully Rasmus can fill in for Duncan if he ends up sucking again and vice versa. Later in the season, this could be where Mather plays if he hits himself into a role. This bar is definitely full.

So where does that leave us? Well, by my calculations, this team will win approximately 86 games, which should be enough to win the NL Central provided that the Chicago Cubs team plane collides with the Milwaukee Brewers team plane approximately nine hundred feet above a Cincinnati Reds game.

So the rebuilding continues, the challenges await and a fun-filled March once again awaits the citizens of Florida.

And once again, like a love-stricken voyeur, I will be watching…