Observations from a Championship Weekend

The Arizona Cardinals are definitely going to lose the Super Bowl. And it’s not because the Steelers are the better team (they are) and it’s not because Arizona’s offense will get totally destroyed by Dick “I’m not a porn star though I got a porn star’s name” LeBeau (they will), it’s simply because the Steeler is not a bird. The Gridbirds have (going back to Week 17) beaten the Seahawks, the Falcons, and now the Eagles. There is only one other NFL team with a bird name, the Ravens. And they are no longer involved. So bet heavy on the Steel (my gambling technique is known as “bullshit”).

And while we’re here, do you realize that the Baltimore Orioles used to be the St. Louis Browns and the Baltimore Ravens used to be the Cleveland Browns? If you name your sports team the Browns, ultimately the city of Baltimore will steal your team and name it after a bird.

Just once, I would like Kurt Warner to say something along the lines of, “You know, my faith in Jesus is a huge part of who I am and all that but I’d still really like to gangbang our cheerleading corps. They are that fine.”

At one point during that Steelers game, I switched over to TBS and watched “Ocean’s Eleven” for about fifteen minutes before I remembered that I was supposed to be watching a football game. That’s the definition of a boring ass game. The Ravens may as well have wrestled one another on the field and taken the resulting penalties. At least that would have been worth watching.

Troy Aikman thinks “defensed” and “defensing” are words. I find it very unsettling that no one corrects him. Eventually, Joe Buck has to take him aside and say, “Troy, you played professional football and should definitely be able to communicate every tense of the word: defense. You can be defending, Troy. And you can be defended. But you cannot be defensed. Now, if you behave yourself and get through the next game with relatively decent grammar then we’ll sing the alphabet song together and go out for ice cream. Okay, Troy?” Maybe I’m an asshole, but I don’t think it’s asking too much for announcers to know English.

I feel very weird about the Arizona Cardinals because six years prior to moving to Tampa I rooted for the then St. Louis (Football) Cardinals and they left like thieves in the night, which was upsetting and unsettling. I used to really hate the Arizona Cardinals (especially when I lived in the STL and had no football team to follow). But it was a weird hate. It was kind of like having your wife leave you except your wife is ugly, fat, mean and ready to marry another guy anyway (so there’s no alimony). In a way, you know you’re way better off without that chick, but at the same time, you know, she’s still a bitch. Anyway, I’ll be rooting for the Cardinals because it is a neat underdog story but I’ll still feel great when they eventually get beaten by the Steelers. I guess what I’m saying is that in the upcoming Super Bowl, I really won’t mind in the slightest if the underdog disappoints because the underdog is a whore. Or something like that.

The Super Bowl is going to be held here in Tampa Bay. Sportswriters are notorious for bashing the host cities during Super Bowls and 2000 (the last time we hosted one) was no exception. Maybe the sportswriters will be a little nicer than last time because they’ve had to put up with Super Bowls in Houston, Detroit and Jacksonville since then but more than likely they’ll be the same cynical dicks they always are. Anyway, in the interest of getting a head start on the negativity, here are some things that will be mentioned about the town in which I chose to live.

Too many strip malls
Too many uneducated people
Too many criminals
Too many strip clubs
Too many Waffle Houses
Too far from the beaches

I’m sure they’ll add a few more angles than that. But I am going to make it a mission of mine to say to every dickhead sportswriter or tourist that knocks my town that a) no one asked you to show up and b) fuck you. I’m a genius and a humanitarian and all that.

And finally, because logic and fluidity have not yet checked in to my fried mind, I leave you with the following, which was explained to me by my friend, Mark:

“You shouldn’t throw teddy bears at people, Nate.”