The Snippets, Literally

Steve: The fuck is that?
Me: You never seen a teddy bear before?
Steve: Why you carrying a teddy bear?
Me: I found it on the sidewalk on the way up to the bar.
Steve: Aren’t you a little old to be picking random stuffed animals off the sidewalk?
Me: Wait, there’s an age limit for that?

Me: Man, I cannot believe that pissed Bill off so much.
Mark: Well, you threw a teddy bear at him. What did you expect?
Me: I thought everyone loved teddy bears.
Mark: You shouldn’t throw teddy bears at people, Nate.
Me: What about Gummi bears?
Mark: You shouldn‘t throw anything. At anyone. For any reason.
Me: I’m sure there are exceptions.
Mark: Probably. But just, as a general rule, stop throwing shit.

Lorraine: Wow, you are really good at throwing ice and catching it in your mouth.
Me: This is nothing. I can also throw ice into other peoples’ mouths.
Lorraine: That’s… um, great.
Me: You want me to show you some other things my mouth can do with ice?
Lorraine: You know, it’s amazing. You look like such a sweet and innocent person and you act like…
Me: A super cool, awesome guy?
Lorraine: An asshole. A straight up asshole.

Dave: This game is totally turned around. At one point, it was literally 31 to 10.
Scotty: It actually was 31 to 10.
Me: I would hope so since… well you know, that’s what literally means.
Scotty: Fuck your geeky ass.
Dave: Yeah, I could literally not care less about what you say.
Me: Actually, I think that’s hyperbole.
Dave: Fuck you.

Scotty: Seriously, what size is that sweater… a small?
Me: It’s a large.
Scotty: In child sizes?
Me: No, it’s an adult.
Dave: It’s literally an adult size.
Me: Now you got it.

Dave: You need to quit drinking hard liquor so early in the day there, pint size.
Me: Seriously… height jokes? I’m five foot nine. Five ten in shoes.
Dave: And if you keep drinking milk…
Me: That’s such an unoriginal form of humor. I mean, how would you like it if I just kept pointing out how disgustingly fat you are?
Dave: Go for it. I’m here and I’m round and I’m ready to get down.
Scotty: Literally.
Me: I don’t think you know what that word means.
Scotty: And you are under the mistaken impression that I care.
Me: Fair enough.
Dave: Literally.
Me: Nice call back, Dave.
Dave: Literally.
Me: Okay, beaten and dead horse have gotten to know each other now.
Scotty: But not literally.
Me: I need another drink.